Manly Advice

I recently picked my daughter up from school. While waiting in a parking lot across from the school, I watched a group of teenage boys standing around smoking, cursing, and generally trying to act cool.  I know nearly every high school has a group of kids like this, but I wondered how these kids got here and where they were heading in the future.

I’m sure that for some their behavior is a rebellion against their parents, just as it was in my day.  And I believe that some will eventually grow up and become productive adults with kids of their own.  Given that nearly one in three kids in the US live without a father in the house (Washington Times, December 2012) many of these kids don’t have a strong male role model at home.  And, you sure won’t find a good male role model on TV or in the movies!

I related my observations about these kids to a colleague the other day.  My colleague asked me, “If you could talk to these kids for 15 minutes, what would you tell them?”  Good question.  I thought long and hard about what I would say.  If I had an opportunity to talk to these boys, here’s what I would tell them…

First, cursing in public and other rude behavior may make you appear cool to your friends, but you come across as a jerk to everyone else.  Being polite, courteous, and well-mannered will cost you nothing, but it implies a sense of class.

Second, Young ladies are NOT sex toys made just for your pleasure and should not be treated as such, regardless of their behavior.  You are not free to run your hands under their skirt or blouse or touch any part of their body without explicit permission.  No means no. Period.  Taking advantage of a young lady who is too drunk or stoned to say yes or no is rape.

Third, if you think you are man enough to have sex, be man enough to take responsibility.  You are responsible for protecting both you and your partner from pregnancy and STDs.  If you aren’t financially and emotionally prepared to be a father and support a child, you shouldn’t be having sex.  And at no time should you pressure someone to have sex.

Fourth, you are known by the company you keep.  If your buds are stoners, vandals, or other low-life types, then people will assume you are the same.  Be man enough to get a good high school education. Being stupid in school may appear cool to your friends, but without a good education, you’ll be a loser as an adult in a dead end job, on welfare, or in jail. 

Fifth, whether you like it or not, the world will judge you by your appearance.  Grungy clothes, weird hair color, piercings and holes in your ear lobes large enough for a small dog to jump through are likely to turn off a prospective employer.  Think twice before you get that piercing or tattoo. And remember, if your dress or appearance is dramatically different from everyone else don’t complain about the adverse attention you get.  First impressions are usually based on how you look and it takes a lot of effort to change a bad first impression.

Sixth, have a plan.  What do you want to be when you grow up? Is it realistic?  How do you plan to get there?  Will that job sustain a family? Whether you plan to go into skilled labor, get job requiring a degree (or advanced degrees), or plan to be a professional athlete, rock star, actor, etc., it will take effort, and in some cases, a good deal of luck, to achieve that goal.  It’s ok to have a dream, but have a realistic backup plan. Be prepared to work and pay your dues.

Seventh, be fiscally responsible.  Know how to balance a check book, never borrow more than you can pay back, and learn to control your money.  If the money coming in is less than the money going out month after month, you’ve got a problem. Find ways to stop spending more than you have.  Too many people are overwhelmed with debt because they can’t control their spending.  We cannot have everything we want.  And, sometimes saving up to afford something, like a new car, makes it mean just a little more to you and you will take better care of it.

Eighth, learn to clean house, wash clothes, and cook.  A man dependent on someone else to cook, clean, or wash is as helpless as a small child. Being able to do these things for yourself not only makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, but it may keep you from getting into a relationship out of need rather than desire.

Ninth, have a hobby.  Better yet, have a hobby that doesn’t involve electronics, or at least electronic games.  Read, play an instrument, garden, restore cars, hike, go camping, take up a sport, do something that exercises your mind, your body, or both.  It will make you more interesting to others around you.  It may also become your therapy when things in your life don’t work out as you planned.

Tenth, make a good first impression.  When introduced to someone, give them a firm handshake and look them in the eye.  A limp handshake is not masculine at all and not looking them in the eye is dismissive.  Speak clearly and don’t mumble.  Learn the art of small talk.  Awkward silence makes everyone uncomfortable.  I’m not saying this is easy, but with practice, it will become second nature.

Eleventh, your character, not your sexual orientation should be what defines you.  Be a man of good moral character such that when people describe you, they use words like honesty, kindness, integrity, and honor. Your sexuality shouldn’t be the most important facet of your character.

Finally, respect is not a right, but an earned privilege. It cannot be demanded and it is not given freely.  If you are not a person deserving of respect, that may cause you a lot of frustration.  Be respectable and more often than not, you will be treated with respect.