Respect and Courtesy

A colleague of mine, an amateur photographer, recently posted a photograph of an older man wearing a shirt that, in essence, referred to the President as a liar, a radical, a Marxist, a socialist, a tyrant, and a subversive.  My colleague posted under the photo, “The lack of respect for the office of the President of the United States appalls me.”  Can you respect the Office and not respect the Office holder? Should the Office be respected without considering the person holding the office?  Good questions.

If someone cuts me off in traffic, has that person “disrespected” me? Since chances are good that I don’t know that person, I would say the person was guilty of discourteous behavior, but not necessarily disrespectful behavior. What’s the difference? Courtesy is defined as “excellence of manners or social conduct; polite behavior”. Mr. Webster says that respect, the noun, is “esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability”.  Furthermore, the dictionary states that respect, the verb, is “to hold in esteem or honor” or “to show regard or consideration for”.

I went to Google and searched for “disrespect” and “shooting” which returned almost 6.3 million websites.  Obviously, many of the results were multiple references to a news story or incident. But even if ten percent of those results are unique stories, then that’s a lot of shootings based on perceived disrespect. One convicted murderer claimed he felt “emasculated” and “disrespected” because the victim had threatened to beat him if he harmed the victim’s daughter. A mass shooting in Miami began because of a perceived disrespect at a wake. A Maryland teen killed a man who had earlier yelled at him because the victim “disrespected” him.  A Wendy’s employee in Florida attacked a customer because she felt disrespected when the customer, after being told several times, would not speak up when placing her order. More recently, an ex-student opened fire at a small Christian college in Oakland, California, and killed seven people.  The ex-student told police he was upset because he felt the students at the college had mistreated him and disrespected him.

I’ve heard the saying, “Respect cannot be learned, purchased or acquired; it can only be earned.” I don’t know who first said this, but I agree.  It is my belief that respect is not a right but an earned privilege.  And, as my friend has lamented, respect isn’t bestowed upon all old people just because they have reached old age, it is given based on their character.  Take a minute to ask yourself, “Have I earned respect today?” If the answer is no, do something to earn it.  It may be as simple as being courteous and kind to others that earns their respect.

When I was a kid, there were some personal behaviors collectively referred to as common courtesy.  These included saying “please” and “thank you”, not using offensive language in public, holding a door for someone, essentially, following the Golden Rule (“Do onto others as you would have them do onto you”).  Courtesy is no longer common.  The results of an Associated Press poll conducted a few years ago indicates that people believe Americans are more rude compared to 20 or 30 years ago and that the blame lies with parents failing to teach good manners, the affects of TV and movies showing rude behavior, and celebrities, athletes, and public figures behaving rudely and being poor role models. The rude behaviors most frequently cited were loud or annoying cell phone use in public, rude or offensive language in public, and aggressive or reckless driving.

Many feel that the absence of courtesy is reflected in a general lack of civility, especially in politics.  Will this lack of civility tear our country apart? If it does, we can’t say we weren’t warned.  Samuel Adams, in 1779, wrote in a letter to James Warren, “A general dissolution of the principles and manners will more surely overthrow the liberties of America than the whole force of the common enemy”. In 1802, John Witherspoon, a signatory of the Declaration of Independence, wrote, “Nothing is more certain than that a general profligacy and corruption of manners make a people ripe for destruction”.

 How to make courtesy common again?  First of all, be courteous yourself. Say please and thank you when soliciting and receiving assistance. Turn down the volume on your cell phone conversation, or remove yourself and go somewhere that your conversation will not annoy others. Turn off the ringer in the theatre and in other similar situations. Obey the driving laws, use your turn signals and don’t tailgate. Focus your attention on your driving. Don’t use offensive words in public. And turn off the sense of entitlement that sets you up to respond discourteously.

Second, politely demand courtesy.  If the situation warrants and wait staff isn’t courteous, speak to the manager. If the sales clerk is rude, talk to the store manager. If people around you are impolite, call them on it, if it is safe to do so. Be aware that your request for courtesy may be met with increased rudeness. If that’s the case, walk away.  But remember, making courtesy common again starts with you. As Emerson wrote, “Life is not so short but that there is always time for courtesy”.

Common courtesy should be common, but respect must be earned.  Practicing common courtesy goes a long way towards earning respect. Be worthy.